I only just came to the realization (I always was a bit slow) that I’m a woman of excess. I can’t buy/use/borrow/bring along just enough for my needs. It used to be that when I was going out, I’d buy 40 cigs, even though I pretty much knew I wouldn’t smoke more than 20. But the thought of running out with a bellyfull of alcohol… If I’m hungry at work and I want a snack I buy two chocolate bars. Or, a bar of chocolate, a packet of crisps and some biscuits. Just in case I get hungry again later. If I want to buy eg. a new top or some shoes and I can’t decide which of two colours I prefer, I’ll buy both. I borrow and buy books I’ll never get time to read.

It’s a combination of indecisiveness and fear of being without, I think.

Also, I think it’s about setting unrealistic goals for myself.

Oh hon, get a grip and stop reading your pop psychology.

Speaking of which, My Mother/My Self, though it falls into above mentioned category, is really really good and I recommend it to all women, regardless of whether they have children. It bothers me a little that the author doesn’t have children herself. Still, she is a daughter and it is about mother/daughter relationships, and how to bring up a baby/girl/woman who is confident, and free-thinking and expressive with a good body image and sense of self. It’s interesting. I turn the pages faster than any book in a long while, and think My god, that is so true. (I hate it when people get me down to a ‘t’. People I don’t even know. People who are describing a great big chunk of the human race!) It’s well-written and ninety per cent convincing.

And for my next trick… I’d better get back to work.

I shouldn’t be on here. Shouldn’t be tappy tapping away like this. I should be working. Writing. This is my sacred hour, a whole 60 minutes booked on the computer in the public library while babe is in the nursery and hubster is at home. I have a story to write. I always have a story to write. That will be my eulogy. She didn’t have enough time to finish her little story. Her picture book with pretty words. But I just wanted to say hi. And that yesterday for some time we were driving behind an open-top vehicle that seemed to be loaded with rubbish. Including a slightly smaller than standard mannequin. When we pulled up behind the truck we saw the mannequin was actually an alien. You know, one of those little green men. Except he wasn’t green. He was kinda human coloured. I wish I had taken a picture. I wish we had followed him. Was he on his way to the dump? Was he going to be recycled? Was he, in fact, going somewhere further…? Darn, I’ll never know.